


What Consumes Your Thoughts Controls Your Life

by gestaltrose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Blood Drinking, Bloodplay, Dark, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-22
Updated: 2011-02-22
Packaged: 2017-10-15 21:04:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/164922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gestaltrose/pseuds/gestaltrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is possessed and rapes Sam and then things get complicated, very complicated. Dark fic but it has a happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Consumes Your Thoughts Controls Your Life

**Author's Note:**

> Written for lj comm spn_reversebang. My inspiration was a video by lj user froggyfun365 [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpRWlSeK04U)

  
_  
I can't find the rhyme in all my reason  
Lost sense of time and all seasons  
Feel I've been beaten down  
By the words of men who have no grounds _   


 

Sam stumbled from the room, his clothes clutched in his hands. Stealing the keys off of Dean had been easy once he'd passed out. Opening the door to the Impala, Sam hung onto the door before dropping gingerly into the seat. He'd get cleaned up and dressed somewhere else; he just had to be gone before Dean woke up.

Driving down the long driveway of the secluded house gave Sam a moment to think and right now Sam didn't want to think. He shoved a tape into the tape player and relaxed a little as Metallica came out of the speakers. He could do this. Turning out on the main road, Sam pushed everything from his mind and drove.

Finally, Sam found a secluded spot to pull off the road. He got out wincing and checked the seat, sure enough, there was blood. He started shaking and found the harder he tried to stop it the worse it was; the worse he felt. Falling to his knees, he tried to keep from passing out, breathing slowly, trying to calm his racing heart. Dean didn't know where he was, he was safe.

A harsh barking laugh pushed its way out of his throat. Right, safe. He managed to get to his feet and stripped out of his filthy underwear, blood and cum staining it. Tossing it from view, Sam tried to clean up with some wipes from the first aid kit. He was relieved to find that the bleeding seemed to be stopping; he didn't think he could bear going to a hospital. Shivering at the thought, Sam slid his pants back on.

He checked his body over. He had bruises where he'd been tied down. He knew that it hadn't been _Dean_ that attacked him but it still wore Dean's face. Feeling panic starting to overwhelm him he tried, desperately, to think of something else. He failed and fell into the memory of when it all went to hell.

 

********

Dean had been a little off all day but Sam had chalked it up to their last hunt. It had ended with the spirit they'd been hunting killing the family they'd been trying to protect. Dean had gone off and gotten drunk and Sam had immersed himself in trying to figure out where everything went wrong. When Dean had returned, he'd gone straight to bed. Sam hadn't thought much about it until they were three hours down the road the next day and he realized Dean still hadn't said a word to him.

The cup of coffee was cooling in Sam's hand. His fingers traced the design on the paper a swirl of pink and gray. Swishing the last bit around the cup he took the last drink before crushing it and tossing it on the floor. He couldn't help but think about the silence that lay so thick between them. Even back when Sam was drinking Ruby's blood, and Dean knew it, the silence between them had been strained, it had nothing on this. He cleared this throat and Dean glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.

“Where are we going again?” Sam finally asked out of desperation.

“Haunting in Michigan,” Dean deadpanned.

Sam felt stupid for asking. “Okay,” he said and looked out the window letting the silence fill the car again.

He wasn't surprised when Dean pulled off the highway and onto some back roads but when they stopped at a worn down old Victorian style house in the middle of nowhere he gave Dean a questioning glance.

Dean just shut the car off and went inside; he never even glanced at Sam. Opening the door to the Impala, Sam stepped out his foot making a crunching sound against the dried weed and little bit of gravel that covered the driveway. Maybe he should have been suspicious with the way Dean had been acting but he didn't have a clue and he followed his brother into the house.

It was a trap. Sam understood that later, but at the time he didn't suspect Dean of anything. Sam walked in and the door slammed shut on its own behind Sam. He turned, pulling ineffectively at the door.

“Sam,” Dean said. There was something in Dean's voice that had Sam looking at his brother, his hand still on the doorknob. “No need in trying to get away. I've got you.”

Sam's eyes widened with horror as Dean's eyes filled with blackness. No, this wasn't possible, they had their tattoos. His gaze slid to his brother's chest briefly. Dean, or whatever was inside him, unbuttoned Dean's shirt and pulled it open, the tattoo was whole. Not a demon then, unless. . .Sam stepped closer and checked the tattoo, making sure there were no breaks in the lines. Whatever was possessing Dean just smiled at him.

“Who are you?”

“You can call me Suki,” the thing said. “I'm so glad I got you here Sam, and so is Dean.”

“Dean? Why? Where is he? Are you a fucking shifter?”

“Well I could shift but that would require the sacrifice of this body. I don't think Dean would understand.”

“What are you?” Sam asked angrily.

The creature smiled and Sam's skin crawled. “You ask the right question, too late.” Making a motion with his hand he smiled as Sam froze in place.

“Come along, I've wanted someone like the two of you for a long time,” Sam could hear the hunger in his voice and he shivered as his body involuntarily followed Suki.

Sam's mind raced, what could Suki be? The name might be a clue. He flicked a mental Rolodex he had in his brain of creatures they had hunted. Then everything shut down as he looked at what Suki had set up for him.

“Come here,” he said and Sam's traitorous body followed Suki's directions.

The thing smiled at Sam, his black eyes had Sam trying to crawl away from him in his head. He forced Sam to strip and lay down on the table that was the only piece of furniture in the room. It sort of reminded him of the table that had been in Bobby's panic room, he shied away from those thoughts. Suki walked around Sam fastening him to the table with restraints.

Sam wanted to yell, to scream but he couldn't do or say anything. After Sam was strapped to the table, Suki stepped away, walking towards Sam's head and then out of his line of sight. “Sam, you do realize just how much Dean wants you. I could feel it miles off. All of those repressed feelings and guilt. It was nearly perfect - but then I saw you. I know what you can become Sam.” He swooped in next to Sam's ear. “I know what you want, too.”

Finding himself released from the compulsion that made him get on the table, he started to struggle. Not this! Anything but this! He bucked his hips trying to free his legs, he had to get away. Suki gagged him and then walked back into view. He was. . .Dean was. . .naked and with an erection that jutted out from his stomach.

Sam watched unbelieving as Dean, no Suki, made a cut on the palm of his hand and started to fondle his cock. It got more red with each pass. Then he was standing between Sam's legs and using Dean's blood as lube he pressed inside Sam.

He screamed into the gag. It hurt so fucking bad. His senses were telling him that Dean was doing this to him even though he knew it wasn't him. He hadn't, he'd never done this. Sam had been attracted to a few men but he recognized them for what they were, replacements for his brother. There had been no way in hell he would even mention the things that crawled around deep in his consciousness.

Dean was as heterosexual as a man could get and Sam never doubted that if Dean found out about his biggest secret, then nothing would make him stay. Sam wanting, needing demon blood hadn't scared him off but his secret desire would have.

Suki smiled with Dean's face as he fucked Sam hard.

“Oh you're tight,” he said and Sam tried to block him out. “Am I hurting you?” He studied Sam's face and must have liked what he saw. “That's good,” The smile that played on his face was one Sam had never seen on Dean.

Euphoria swept over Sam, like a warm wave of love. He couldn't help it, he relaxed. “That's right, you know you want this.” Suki fucked him harder and there was another wave. Sam didn't understand it. Drugs? Then he understood the feeling was similar to the one he'd had when he'd drunk demon blood. Sam's mind focused on something other than Dean fucking him. It was the blood, the blood on Dean's cock that Suki had put there. He tried to fight it but his body betrayed him again and again, his cock rising to full erection and then coming more than once while Suki plowed his ass.

He was a puddle of emotion when Suki came and that set off a wave of feelings that drowned him. He passed out.

Over the next few days, Sam was raped more times than he could remember, always with blood in the mix. Sometimes Suki would just fuck Sam like he had the first time, with Dean's blood as the lube. Sam never forgot that his brother was in there somewhere, watching Sam come on his cock again and again. Then Suki cut Dean's arm and offered it to Sam.

All of the emotions tumbled around in Sam's head. Desire, repulsion, longing, gut churning disgust with himself and how he couldn't control his body anymore. He knew this was the moment it changed between Suki and him. Sam drank his blood voluntarily. Wanting to forget everything in the heated desire that raced through his skin every time he got Dean's blood in his system, Sam drank. Lost in the haze he humped against Suki's leg.

“You know all you had to do was ask,” Suki said.

Sam pulled off of Dean's arm, his mouth covered with Dean's blood and looked at Suki for a moment before he started pulling at his clothes. Skin, he needed skin and there was skin and warmth. Suki seemed to understand exactly what Sam wanted and was happy to comply. He stripped down and lay down on the bed that he had raped Sam on, so many times. Sam pushed into his brother with just a wipe of lube on his cock.

It was so hard for Sam to keep straight if he was fucking Suki or making love to Dean because he would have sworn that some of the expressions that flittered across Suki's face were Dean's. “What have you done to me?” he gasped into Suki's mouth.

“Nothing you didn't want me to Sammy.”

It broke Sam's heart and made his stomach roll. _Sammy_ \- that was Dean's name for him. He started to move quicker, to get this over with, his cock as hard as ever. Sam started to stroke Suki's cock and as he came, clenching around Sam's cock, Sam leaned down and whispered into his ear.

“What are you?”

Sam came inside his brother's body, he could see Suki was close to just falling asleep. Taking a chance, he asked again. “What are you?”

“Kitsune,” Suki answered mumbling.

Sam pulled out and lay down next to Suki. He hadn't been tied up again and as far as he knew the door was unlocked. Waiting for Suki to get into deep sleep had been nerve wracking but finally Suki's breaths evened out and, Sam thought unfairly, he snored a little, just like Dean. Thinking about Dean was what got Sam moving. He had to get away. So Sam had slunk out of the house, got in the car and ran as far as he could.

********

  


  
_  
Can't sleep beneath the trees of wisdom  
When your ax has cut the roots that feed them  
Forked tongues in bitter mouths  
Can drive a man to bleed from inside out_   


Sam was face down in the mud beside the Impala. He hurt in ways he hadn't in a long time. He needed to go somewhere, to get away; it was a mantra pounding in his head. Pulling himself out of the mud - Sam assessed his bruises and pains and then got in the car. The Impala rumbled to life underneath him and Sam felt comforted as he pulled back on the road.

After holing up in a dive of a motel for days he finally felt a little more human. Every time he thought of Dean there was a wave of desire that rushed over him followed by fear. What was going to happen? Suki had taken control of Dean but no one had taken control of Sam. Guilt was eating him alive. Suki had violated him but he had also violated Dean. The thoughts chased around and around in his head in a never ending spiral. Finally he'd had enough of thinking. Pulling out his cell he flipped through his phone book. Bobby? Sam didn't know how to explain this, but after considering everyone else he came back to Bobby, so he pressed dial.

“Yeah?”

“Bobby, it's me, it's Sam,” Sam said.

“Dean called here looking for you, are you alright?” Sam could hear the concern in Bobby's voice.

“What did Dean say?” Sam asked trying to keep his voice steady.

“Just that you'd left without telling him where you were going,” Bobby told him. “I had to go and get him. Dean, your brother's on the phone.”

“Bobby, it's not, he's not. . .” Sam tried to tell him.

“Hello Sam,” Dean's voice was on his phone. Sam suddenly felt an absolute need to be with Dean, _right now_. “Come on in,” his voice was like chocolate and sex all wrapped up. He shouldn't be thinking of Dean in that way.

“You're not Dean,” Sam finally found something in the fog in his brain to cling to.

“Sam, come on in please,” Dean asked. Even though he knew that it wasn't Dean, Sam found himself helpless to the pleading in his brother's voice.

He hung up without saying a word, he packed the few things he'd grabbed. He'd tossed the clothes he'd bled into when he'd first arrived. Throwing everything into the car, Sam got in and sat with his hands on the wheel. They were shaking. He closed his eyes and all he saw was Dean spread out before him. Shaking his head he started the car and backed out, unsure of where he was going, but knowing he had to be somewhere.

Sam drove on autopilot until he was at the turn to Bobby's junkyard. His hand clenched and unclenched on the wheel while he stopped, trying to figure out what to do. Finally he decided to just go but his hands turned the wheel and he pulled up outside of Bobby's house.  


  
_  
What if you did?  
What if you lied?  
What if I avenge?  
What if eye for an eye?_   


Suki stepped out of the house, the screen door banging shut behind him. Sam thought his heart might come out of his chest, it was beating so hard. He didn't want to be trapped in the car, so he stepped out. Suki walked up to him and smiled. Sam's legs felt weak as he raised his hand, pointing the gun he'd gotten out at Suki.

“Sam, Sam, Sam, are you really going to shoot Dean? It'll just kill him; not me.”

Sam cocked the gun and looked Suki in the eyes. “At least he'd be without you,” Sam said and started to pull the trigger.

“Wait,” Suki held up his hands, “I'll make a deal with you. You give me. . .” he looked Sam up and down, “everything, one last time and I'll leave. I promise.”

He hadn't been wasting his time while he was sitting in the motel room, he knew a lot more about Kitsune than he had when he started. If they promised something, they kept their word.

“Osusuki,” Sam said the creature's name and it blushed.

“Sam,” Bobby came to the door and Sam kept the gun on the creature.

“It's not Dean,” Sam told him.

“Huh?”

“It's a. . .” Sam's throat closed and Suki gave him a look that said he was the one doing it. Sam coughed. “Never mind, I'll deal with it.” Sam grabbed Suki's arm before Bobby could object and dragged him off into the depths of the junkyard.

“You'll leave Dean? Not hurt him?” Sam asked as he found a secluded spot.

Suki smiled again. “Of course,” he promised. That was what Sam needed to hear. Pulling his t-shirt off over his head he tossed it on one of the junkers. They were in a patch of grass and Sam kicked off his shoes to feel it between his toes. He was trying very hard not to think about what was going to happen next.

“Thank you,” Suki spoke quietly and Sam looked at him.

“For what?”

“For giving me. . .I guess love is the wrong word but Dean loves you so much it kind of bleeds over. And you Sam, you are a feast. Sharing your essence, I guess would be accurate.” Suki nodded and finished stripping.

“You raped me,” Sam snapped angrily and moved on Suki. Dean would have avoided him but Suki couldn't. He grabbed Suki's hands and held them above his body. “You think it doesn't matter?”

Suki looked up at Sam a worried expression in his eyes. “But you liked it.”

“After you drugged me,” Sam snapped and pushed the naked Suki away. He just wanted to leave, to not face this. However, Dean needed him. Slowly, Sam started to unbutton his shirt.

“But you wanted. . .Dean wanted. . .with you two it was as if you were both setting off flares,” Suki truly sounded confused.

“Maybe,” Sam capitulated. “But that doesn't excuse what you did.”

“Is it because I was so rough that first time? I had to be, I had to make sure the blood mingled. It was better after that, right?”

Suki sounded so confused that Sam almost felt sorry for him. Almost. “Blood,” Sam said advancing on Suki who stood his ground. Dipping a hand in his pocket, Sam pulled out the knife he kept there. Suki's eyes widened as Sam cut Dean's arm, letting the blood pool in his hand before drinking it.

Euphoria and desire rushed through Sam, for the first time since he'd left Suki after fucking him, he felt alive. Pushing his pants down enough to free his cock, he lifted Suki's leg and, with a little spit as lube, he pressed into him. After a few thrusts Suki pulled Sam down to the ground. Sam fucked him, trying not to think of his brother whose body he was violating, again.

Suki somehow got a hold of Sam's knife and nicked his throat. Sam pulled Dean's hand back and slammed it to the ground, but he couldn't take his eyes off of the blood welling and running down Dean's neck. His mouth watered and he leaned down, just as Suki wanted, placing his lips on the cut and sucking as he drove his cock into Dean.

Sam licked, sucked and drank blood as he fucked Dean. Not noticing when Suki stilled underneath him Sam kept at it. He was loopy from the blood as he emptied himself into Dean's body, coming so hard he nearly passed out. It wasn't until he pulled out that he noticed how still Suki was.

Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, Sam shook the body next to him. Panic started to fill him when neither Dean nor Suki would respond. What had he done? Pulling his jeans up, he scooped Dean up in his arms, still naked and bleeding slightly and ran back to the house. Bobby came out at his yells.

Sam nearly threw Dean at him. Bobby stood there with Dean in his arms, staring at Sam. It was then Sam realized how he must have looked; blood all over his face and arm, bare-chested with his brother naked and bleeding in his arms. “I'll call,” Sam said trying to get Bobby moving. It worked.

Bobby took Dean back into the house and then stepped briefly back onto the porch. “He's alive, barely.”

Sam hung his head and stumbled to the Impala. Maybe Bobby yelled at him to stop. If he did Sam didn't hear him.  


  
_  
What if you did?  
What if you lied?  
What if I avenge?  
What if eye for an eye?_   


This time Sam didn't stop, he didn't call, he just ran. Unknown to him his body, with the last overdose of the Kitsune's blood, more than craved it, it needed it. Sam started to go through withdrawal. Managing to identify his symptoms before they got out of hand, Sam stocked up and locked himself away somewhere safe. Somewhere that he couldn't hurt anyone else.

He started hallucinating on about the second day. He saw Dean all the time, asking him why. Sam couldn't answer. He was almost glad when he started seeing spiders, they were better than Dean's accusing eyes. Though, Sam hated the feeling of them skittering on his skin.

Sam had water, and a few snack bars that he ate when he had a lucid moment or two.

When Cas showed up, Sam just thought he was another hallucination.

“Sam,” the warm hand lifted his face off of the floor. “Dean said. . .I thought. . .I'm sorry.” The guilt in Castiel's voice almost had Sam believing he was real. “Who did this Sam?”

Sam rolled the words around in his head, trying to make sense of them. He'd done this, he'd killed Dean in his perverse desire for his blood.

“Who did this to you?” the voice asked again.

Licking his lips in an attempt to get some moisture in his mouth, Sam was surprised as his imaginary Castiel helped him to sit up and got him some water. Sam took a drink and looked at the angel. They stared at one another for what seemed like a long time.

“Who Sam?” Castiel asked.

“Kitsune, Suki,” Sam finally mumbled. He reached out and touched the frown that appeared on Castiel's face. “It's like you're really here,” Sam said.

“Osusuki,” Castiel said and nodded to himself. “How much blood did you have?”

Sam laughed a harsh laugh that turned into a cough that he couldn't stop. “Blood?” Sam finally asked. “It wasn't only blood,” he spat out.

Castiel's eyes widened with comprehension. “You need. . .but it's not safe,” Castiel stood and Sam stared dizzily up at him “I'll be back. Soon Sam.” He sounded so sincere Sam began to wonder if he was hallucinating after all. Then Cas disappeared.

As soon as Castiel left, Sam began to see Dean again, his body convulsing as his brain tried to tell him that he needed more of Dean's blood.

Sam wasn't really aware of how much time had passed when he was pulled into wakefulness by Castiel. Helping Sam off the floor, Castiel eased him into a sitting position with his back against the wall of the room.

Then he saw what Cas had with him. Sam blinked and then blinked again to make sure his eyes were working. His body recognized what it needed even if his brain didn't. Sam had another seizure as the need for blood overwhelmed him.

“Do you see?” Castiel sounded angry.

“I'm sorry,” the creature spoke. Sam examined it a bit closer. his eyes focused slowly on it. Looking like a cross between an androgynous human and a fox; it had light reddish fur covering its body, two human looking legs, and a human sort of face only with a hint of a muzzle and ears poking up through its dark hair. He groaned as he realized what, or rather who it was. Suki. Sam wanted more than anything to get up and attack the creature that had done this to him, but he was burning with fever and weak as a baby. He settled for glaring.

“Well?” Sam thought he'd seen Cas angry before. However, this time Castiel showed Sam a side of himself that Sam hadn't known existed.

Suki walked up to Sam and pressed a furred finger against his head. “I am sorry, Sammy,” it said just before Sam passed out from the pain that coursed through his body. He felt much better when he came around again.

He was surprised to find himself on a bed. He lifted his head as he reached under his pillow, looking for his knife. Cas sat at a small table in what looked like one of the many motel rooms that he and Dean had shared.

Memories came flooding back, he sat up. “Dean?” he asked.

“Fine, Sam. He's fine.” Castiel looked faintly embarrassed. “I have to ask for your forgiveness. Dean told me what had happened but all I saw was Dean near death. Both Dean and Bobby agreed you had done it. I didn't believe him when he said you didn't want to. I'm sorry Sam.”

It was probably the longest speech he'd heard from Cas. “What happened?” Sam asked sitting up hoping Castiel would know what he was talking about.

“Osusuki, is ancient but he is also very young,” Castiel said leaning forward to look into Sam's eyes. “He was reborn in the last century and recently found himself lost here. Afraid and lonely he searched for someone. Someone to believe in him, someone to love.”

“I found your brother,” the foxlike being said from the doorway to the bathroom, causing Sam to jump in alarm. Suki appeared embarrassed and looked at the floor. “I am truly sorry. Your Castiel explained about how you can want something and not want it at the same time. All I saw from Dean, and then you, was longing. I thought I was helping.”

Castiel cleared his throat and Suki looked at him with fear in his eyes. Castiel nodded. “All of it,” he said. “He has a right.”

“I, um. . .also wanted you for something else,” Suki admitted. Sam glared at the creature. “I'm nearing a hundred in this form and I need a child to grow my tails.”

That wasn't anything like what Sam had been expecting. “What?” he asked anger in his voice.

“I'm pregnant,” Suki said.

“But aren't you a boy?” Sam asked the first inane thing that came to mind.

“Normally,” he nodded “but I can change and for this I'm willing to do what it takes.”

“For this,” Sam said.

Suki squatted down so his head was lower than Sam. Then he bowed to Sam. “Arigato gozaimashita, Samuel. What you have given me will allow me to grow and gain rank.”

“What about the child?” Sam questioned Suki. “Will it be human?”

Suki shrugged, as if it didn't mean much to him. “Yes. But with you as a father and me as its mother it will be special. Kitsune tend to have children with powers and with you and your powers thrown in the mix,” he looked Sam in the eyes, “I'm sure it will be very special. I'll make sure the family that takes it will care for it properly.”

“Wait. What? You don't want it?” Sam asked before noticing Cas smiling slightly. Sam looked at him and he just nodded, smile gone.

“Why would I? Being tied to something that only lives a few years, compared to the centuries I plan on living, loving it would only bring pain.”

“I'll take it,” Sam said without thinking.

“What?” Suki asked confusion filling his voice. “Why?”

“You don't want it for anything other than what you get out of having it. I. . .it's mine, partially and I just want it.” Sam ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He couldn't articulate why he wanted this he just knew, deep down in his bones that he did.

“You're sure?” Suki asked and Sam nodded. “My word then, when the child is born it will be yours.”

His word, Sam had his word. He nodded again.

“Can I leave now? I did all you asked of me Shugo Tenshi.”

“Remember your promise,” Castiel said.

“Like I ever forget my word.”

“There is always the first time. Don't make me find you again,” Castiel said and snapped his fingers. Suki was gone.

Sam stared at the spot where Suki had been. “Was that real?”

Castiel grinned at Sam. “Yes, it was.”

“Why are you so happy?”

“You,” he said and Sam motioned for him to continue. “You have forgiven him. You are more than I thought you were, Sam. I am very happy.”

Sam's eyes narrowed. “Does this have to do with the baby?”

Castiel just smiled at him until Sam wanted to scream. “What about Dean?” Sam finally asked.

“You are better now, we can go,” Castiel said and before Sam could object he touched his forehead.

Sam suddenly found that they were standing outside of Bobby's house, the Impala was parked in the driveway, Sam saw with relief. Castiel wasn't with him and it was with great trepidation that he walked up to the house. Sam knocked and waited, anxiety climbing until Dean came to the door then it went through the roof.

Dean pushed the door open and gave Sam a small smile. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Sam said, his face emotionless. Dean looked right through Sam as usual.

“Come on in.” Dean held the door for him. Sam walked in and grabbed a beer from the fridge.

“Where's Bobby?” Sam asked after looking around for the man.

“He's in town. Sam, look,” Dean spoke quietly and Sam looked up at him from the bottle in his hand. Dean grabbed a beer and sat at the table. “We need to talk.”

Sam felt like he was going to his own hanging as he walked across the kitchen floor. Pulling out a chair he sat as far from Dean as he could get.

“You hate me, I get it,” Dean said sadly and Sam looked at him in surprise.

“What? No,” Sam said. “Why?”

Dean pushed back from the table so forcefully he knocked his chair down. He started pacing and not looking at Sam.

“I raped you,” he spoke to the floor.

“No, that wasn't you,” Sam said emphatically. “I'm the one,” he paused until he got Dean looking at him, “I'm the one who raped you. I wasn't possessed. I don't understand why you don't hate me.”

“It was inside of me because I wanted you,” Dean said after a long silence. He sat the chair upright and sat down in it. “You never. . .you didn't. . .” he couldn't finish his sentence.

“I never what?” Sam asked really confused.

“Wanted me,” Dean snapped out. “You never wanted me, like I wanted you.”

Dean sounded so lost and alone, Sam didn't know what to do. He tried the truth.

“I've wanted to be with you since I was fifteen and figured out it was you I was attracted to,” Sam announced. “But you. . .it was wrong and you never. . .” Sam was at a loss for words now.

Shaking his head, Dean slapped his palms down on the table. “Don't tell me what I want to hear,” he snapped.

“You know what? Fuck you. I am telling the truth. I was aching, longing for you before you were taken over by Suki. I spent my whole life ashamed, thinking I was somehow defective, because how could I feel like this and no one else could. I wanted to die to get away from my feeling for you. So just fuck you!”

“You did,” Dean said and Sam reeled like he'd been hit.

His face pale, he looked at Dean. “It wasn't you, I wanted. . .no not like that. I wanted you to want me, to come to me and instead. . .” his voice broke and tears filled his eyes.

“Sammy,” Dean said, reaching across the table to him.

“I can't do this. I can't be around you,” Sam stood up.

Dean stood up too. “Wait,” his voice stopped Sam. “I. . .I want you Sam. I want you to stay with me. I want to wake up next to you. I just. . .” Dean was interrupted by Sam kissing him. Sam's long fingers pressed against the sides of his head, holding him still, as Sam tried to map out the inside of Dean's mouth with his tongue. Dean wrapped his arms around Sam and held on tight. It was going to be a rough ride but they would get through this, like everything else, with each other.  


  
_  
I know I can't hold the hate inside my mind  
'Cause what consumes your thoughts controls your life  
So I'll just ask a question  
A lonely simple question  
I'll just ask one question  
What If I? _   



End file.
